killing me softly

(beware. Get Out spoilers ahead.)

i'm not a big horror movie fan, so it's not a big surprise that Get Out would freak me out. i just never expected that the most anxiety-inducing part had nothing to do with the "scary" section of the film. i also never expected that nearly 24 hours later that a horror flick would still be on my mind for anything other than graphic violence.

I heard he sang a good song
I heard he had a style
And so I came to see him
To listen for a while
And there he was this young boy
A stranger to my eyes

before seeing it, i had seen plenty of "thinkpieces" about the film's themes. i had seen plenty on social media about the movie allegedly being "anti-white people". i had even seen something about the how the use of cameras as a plot device had a larger symbolic meaning. i avoided reading all of them in order to try and have as pure of a moviegoing experience as possible, even though the headlines alone gave me some idea of what to anticipate.

what i couldn't predict was how uncomfortable the first half of the movie would make me. not in the conventional horror flick sense. y'know, that awkward tension that builds because you know some freaky shit is about to pop off. this wasn't that. at all. instead, my terror came at watching chris interact with rose's family and friends. the tone-deaf and unnecessary references to consuming other cultures. the non-sequitur Indirect Brushes with Great Moments in Black History. the clunky mentions of My Favorite Black Celebrity -- he would have voted for obama for a third time! the straight-up blatant and ham-fisted references to eugenics as a means to physical ends.

I felt all flushed with fever
Embarrassed by the crowd
I felt he found my letters
And read each one out loud
I prayed that he would finish
But he just kept right on

chris' ungainly attempts at conversation with the other black characters only added to the discomfort. the zip-a-dee-doo-dah demeanor of the house help (who we eventually come to learn are lobotomized avatars of deceased family elders) seemed to portend chris' own fate were he forced to endure too many more such family gatherings. by the time he was finished being menaced by georgina over an unplugged cell phone cord, i was slumped in my seat, nearly suffocating and plaintively moaning that "i just want him to go home." when the sinister plot is finally revealed, the exaggerated nature of the villainy actually allowed me to relax and just enjoy the show.

He sang as if he knew me
In all my dark despair
And then he looked right through me
As if I wasn't there
And he just kept on singing
Singing clear and strong

afterward, i struggled to think of a movie where a character acted and reacted in exactly the same way i would have in the same situation. except for escaping the evil forced brain surgery thing. i would have done far more running. but thinking about it overnight, i was struck by how "killing me softly with his song" felt so apropos.

Get Out was spooky because it was so real. it was immersion therapy into what a supposed post-racial world looks like. and it reminde me that in many ways it looks a lot like the pre-post-racial world. it was an amalgam of all the little stiff moments. all of the times people seem surprised you speak proper english. all of the times people asked if you were on an athletic scholarship. or said you weren't like "the rest of them." or that "you're not really black."

in the midst of the madness, stephen root's character says "they mean well." in most cases, that's true. but it doesn't sting any less. most any person of color can tell you about some moment in their life feeling out of place and having to "grin and bear it." sometimes because situations demand it. sometimes because it's easier to get along. sometimes because you feel outnumbered. and sometimes because you're just tired. 

(by the way, rose and chris talking to the cop after hitting a deer was another of the big cringe-inducing moments. not because rose did anything necessarily wrong. but rather, watching chris walk the line between appreciating an ally coming to his defense and knowing that standing up for himself likely results in a drastically different outcome.)

yet the problem with not addressing it means giving tacit approval and allowing those ideas and attitudes to perpetuate, regardless of any good intentions. which in turn is how a movie like this gets labeled "anti-white". it's not. there's no belief what white people are inherently evil. but it does ask you to examine yourself, understand where it comes from and exhibit some self-awareness. it'll be awkward. it'll be uncomfortable. it'll be scary. 

but if we can all work at it together, we promise it'll get better.